Mahad was a newly enrolled 11th grade student at our school. He left class whenever he wanted to. He was on his phone a lot. He yelled out to other students in the middle of class. And he was failing all of his classes, having done none of the work during his first few weeks of attendance. A quick review of his cumulative files from his previous schools showed multiple suspensions, disciplinary actions, and failing grades. He was at risk for becoming a statistic, and not a good one.
Instead of taking drastic measures, Mahad's teaching team decided to give him three weeks of leeway, hoping that each day would get better. Marisol Thayre, Mahad's English teacher, began to build a relationship with him through a systematic process called 2 × 10—an adult interacts with the student in relationship-building conversations for 2 minutes a day for 10 consecutive days.1 (In the case of Mahad, Ms. Thayre shortened the 2 × 10 strategy to five days but met with Mahad twice on each of those days.)
In Conversation with Mahad
With his mother's permission, we recorded a series of daily interactions between Mahad and Ms. Thayre. The video that accompanies this column shows several of these conversations, which took place after Mahad had been in the class for a few days and Ms. Thayre had had a chance to get to know him.
In several conversations that happened during those first few days, Ms. Thayre had asked about Mahad's aspirations, saying, "Who do you want to be and what do you want to be?" Mahad had talked a bit about wanting to be respected and mentioned that he wanted to make enough money to support his family. In one of those conversations, the two also used a sentence frame to share one fact at a time about themselves. Taking turns, each of them completed the sentence "If you knew me, you would know ____." After several exchanges, Ms. Thayre completed the sentence by saying that her dad had died the year before. Mahad teared up, revealing that his dad had died as well.
The video starts with two conversations in which Ms. Thayre pulls Mahad aside to address his disruptive behavior. She lets him know her expectations for the classroom and invites him to share solutions. As is common, at first Mahad offers no useful clues. He's likely expecting to be punished or shamed for his actions as he has been so many times in the past, and he's willing to sit through the lecture he believes is coming.
But that's not what happens. Ms. Thayre uses her emerging relationship with Mahad to let him know that she has noticed his actions and that she expects him to behave differently. She doesn't scold him, punish him, or threaten to send him to the vice principal. Instead, she solicits his input in addressing the situation.
Ms. Thayre approaches Mahad in the role of problem-solver rather than disciplinarian. She asks him to help her find ways she can support him in altering his behavior. She shares parts of her life with Mahad and learns a little about him. When you know someone's story, you see them in a different light, and it's hard to be disrespectful to them.
Over time, we see Mahad begin to respond, seeking out Ms. Thayre to tell her about his internship experience and offering a solution for how he and Ms. Thayre can navigate his difficult moods. They agree to implement his idea—that he move to a separate part of the classroom when he's too distracted or upset to participate—and it works. Ms. Thayre's role changes as she begins to broker relationships between Mahad and his other teachers, often meeting with another teacher and Mahad together. She offers Mahad advice about the actions he can take to become the person he says he wants to be.
Impromptu Conversations
To build a productive relationship with a challenging student, the adult will probably have to initiate the connection. Of course, some students seek out teachers and enjoy the company of adults in the school. But these are not likely to be the students who are failing, who misbehave, or who are frequently absent. For those students, adults have to be the ones to open the lines of communication.
The 2 × 10 strategy generally works well to get a relationship started. It starts with brief conversations on 10 consecutive days in which the adult interacts with the student, not about school, but about hopes, dreams, fears, likes, dislikes, family life, work situations, or just about anything that allows a relationship to develop. Because relationships are reciprocal, the adult needs to share about his or her life and invite the student to do the same. Even if the responses at the outset of the relationship are fairly superficial, the student usually appreciates the added attention.
Once a relationship has been established, the conversations can move to include academic and behavioral concerns. That doesn't mean that no further relationship development is necessary, but the interactions can now include discussions about expectations, feedback about performance, and plans for correction. For example, the teacher might say, "What assumptions do teachers make about you that are not true?" "What obstacle is holding you back right now?" and "Let's make a plan to get you where you want to be."2 The key elements in successful impromptu conversations include
- Brevity. These conversations typically last under two minutes.
- Student voice. Students are invited to share their version of events.
- Honesty. Teachers share their own feelings.
- Accountability. Students aren't threatened with punishment, but they are reminded that they are accountable to others.
- A solution orientation. Students are invited to suggest ways to resolve the problem.
On a Better Path
As a result of his growing relationship with Ms. Thayre, Mahad's behavior improved and his learning accelerated. In just a couple of weeks, he went from being a disengaged and disruptive student to being one who sought out his teacher for advice.
By the end of the semester, Mahad had passed all his classes and was a pleasure to have in class. Were there hard days? Of course. But he had developed productive relationships with the adults in his school, improving the quality of life for everyone.
Mahad is still going to be a statistic, but now it's the right kind. He wants to be a massage therapist so that he can work while he goes to nursing school. In his words, "I'm pretty good with people. They respond to me, and I like to help, so I think that would be a good match." As we noted earlier, when you know another's story, you see them in a different light.
Editor's note: For more information about "2 x 10" conversations, see Smith, R., & Lambert, M. (2008). Assuming the best. Educational Leadership, 66(1), 16–21.
