The three gates of speech, a saying often credited to 13th-century Persian poet and Sufi mystic Rumi, serves as a gentle reminder to be mindful of how we communicate. “Before you speak, let your words pass through three gates,” Rumi wrote. “At the first gate, ask yourself ‘Is it true?’ At the second gate ask, ‘Is it necessary?’ At the third gate ask, ‘Is it kind?’”
In almost every facet of life, this self-regulation skill—pausing and thinking before we speak—plays out like an emotional intelligence superpower. In fact, it draws on each of psychologist Daniel Goleman’s four quadrants of emotional intelligence: self-awareness, self-management, social awareness, and relationship management.
Emotional intelligence (EI or EQ for “emotional quotient”) might just be the bedrock of a healthy school culture, authors suggest in this issue of Educational Leadership. “When emotional intelligence becomes a focus for adults and not just a lesson the adults teach their students, relationships improve,” says Juan-Diego Estrada, director of wellness at The John Cooper School in Texas. And, “When relationships improve, school culture improves.” At its core, EI is the ability to recognize and manage our own emotions—and to be in tune with the feelings and emotions of those around us. Fortunately, EI skills—like empathy, effective communication, and self-regulation—aren’t fixed from birth; they can be strengthened with intention and practice.
EI skills—like empathy, effective communication, and self-regulation—aren’t fixed from birth; they can be strengthened with intention and practice.
In the context of teaching, emotionally intelligent educators create safe learning environments that are necessary for higher-order thinking, says Brooke Stafford-Brizard, VP of innovation and impact at the Carnegie Foundation for the Advancement of Teaching. “This [can] show up in structures, routines, and the tone of language [a teacher uses] in the classroom.” For example, “a calm and assertive tone communicates to students that the adult they rely on is in a regulated state and has command of the classroom.” By contrast, a “raised, angry, or even excited tone can convey escalation.” Self-regulation is an especially important skill for school leaders to hone, explains Ignacio Lopez, ASCD author and deputy provost at National Louis University. It’s the skill of “having your strength under control,” particularly in situations where you might feel flustered or upset. “As a leader, you are a model for creating an emotionally intelligent culture,” says Lopez. “Part of that is slowing down.” In schools that prioritize emotional intelligence, students, staff, and families have “permission to feel”; they’re given the space to safely express a range of emotions. Leaders can set the tone by recognizing teachers’ humanity, encouraging healthy conversations about emotions, and listening attentively. “If you’re in a room with teachers and other leaders or parents,” advises Lopez, “put your phone away. Put your laptop away. Be present.” Committing to these practices, among others in the pages that follow, can help everyone in a school feel seen, valued, and heard. Isn’t that the ultimate superpower?
Reflect & Discuss
➛ How well does your school or district do in providing students a sense of physical and emotional safety? What improvements could be made?
➛ How important do you think emotional regulation is as a characteristic of teacher quality? Does it get enough attention?
➛ What steps could instructional leaders take to better support teachers in developing EQ and creating responsive learning environments for students?
➛ In your decision-making, how easy is it for you to step into another's shoes and see an issue from their perspective?
➛ How have you used empathy—either with students or colleagues—to get to the story behind the behavior?
➛ What one change could you make to become a more empathetic school leader?
➛ Does your school have any process for asking teachers how they feel at work, and how they want to feel? Do school leaders often ask teachers how they're feeling—and seem to truly want to know?
➛ Brackett says recent surveys show teachers feel a lot of frustration, anxiety, stress, and sadness at work—and less happiness. Does this match the emotions you've felt at work in recent years? What do you think is behind these feelings?
➛ How would a reflective tool like the IBRT help you in your teaching practice?
➛ Have you ever been surprised to learn about an unconscious bias you exhibit while teaching? How did it make you feel, and what steps did you take to correct it?
➛ Is kindness integral or peripheral to effective school leadership? Explain your thinking.
➛ Is emotional intelligence part of your leadership? How do you use it in your role?
➛ If you are a woman leading a school, have you experienced that "double bind" as you try to balance assertiveness and empathy?
