2020 is almost over. Exhale (into your mask, of course). Never in my life have I witnessed a year that demanded so much—so much innovation and effort and … Googling. It was a year when many of us were rattled to our core on many levels. As we look ahead to next year, we look to rebuild our schools, our hope, and our sense of togetherness.
The world needs our best. But we can only give our best when we are at our best. We are often mistaken in thinking that self-care is selfish. The reality is that sometimes we have to be selfish in order to be selfless. Now more than ever, we have to take care of ourselves so we don't burn out doing the critical work of innovation in education.
There's more to self-care, though, than mindfulness apps, running laps, taking naps, or other activities that are often difficult for educators to make time for. Sometimes self-care means we have to apply the same critical lens to our own thinking that we apply to other people's thinking. We have to challenge our own paradigms as deeply as we seek to smash and rebuild society's paradigms.
I'm talking about cognitive distortions—the styles of thinking that individually undermine our well-being and collectively destroy civility.
When the Shortcut Is a Trap
Our working memory pays attention to up to 40 bytes of information every second. That sounds like a lot until you consider that our subconscious absorbs 20 megabytes in the same amount of time—the equivalent of downloading four whole songs every second. Paying attention to all of that information would overwhelm our thinking and crash our brains like a school copy machine. Thus, our brains make all sorts of mental shortcuts to help us function more efficiently. This is all well and good until these heuristics lead to biases like stereotyping. Sometimes shortcuts trap us into unhealthy thinking.
If we want a better world—unified, intelligent, and tolerant—we have to do the hard work of starting from within. You might have all sorts of self-care plans in mind as you look ahead to 2021; however, at the top of that list should be improving your thinking. Start by becoming more aware of the following cognitive distortions—ones that I have battled personally and seen countless educators exhibit. Then learn how to reframe them.
1. Polarized Thinking
To understand this one, just scroll through your newsfeed. Social media is really good at polarizing us into "black and white" thinking. The thought silos of social media both encourage and reveal our individual knack for grouping things as either one way or another. Often, this cognitive distortion spills into our professional lives: Either that lesson was perfect or I suck at teaching. Students are either good or bad. Professional development is either mind-blowing or a waste of my time. I see this play out with the teachers I coach—especially with virtual instruction. I hear things like, "I'm such a failure at this" or "This is impossible" or "This is a disaster." Upon further discussion though, we see that nothing is truly a failure, elements of good teaching are still possible, and our efforts are far from disasters.
Challenge it: Use the "acknowledge + however" combo.
Acknowledge that the extreme can exist; however, there is a more accurate middle ground. When we seek this middle ground, we elevate progress over perfection.
There were elements of that lesson that went horribly wrong; however, students really did well with their written responses.
There's a lot from this PD that doesn't apply to me; however, I did learn a few things that will make my job easier and more effective.
Teaching kids virtually is not why I got into teaching; however, I can still build personal connections and share my passion for my content from a distance.
2. Emotional Reasoning
This fall, my wife and I were in the thick of helping our toddler through some challenging behaviors at school when he said to me, "Dad … I'm the meanest boy." I was devastated. How could he possibly think this when he shows so many moments of kindness and compassion? The culprit, it turns out, was emotional reasoning. This occurs when we feel a strong emotion and then reason that it must be true of us. I feel bad, so I must be bad. I feel despair, so I must be an unoptimistic person. Or I feel angry at my students, so I must be a terrible teacher. It's not just toddlers who are susceptible to emotional reasoning; it's something we all do.
Challenge it: Use the "feelings as clouds" analogy.
Emotions are like clouds. They can linger or move quickly. They can be intense and terrifying or tranquil and beautiful. But they always pass. They move through us. They are not us. To overcome emotional reasoning, use this phrasing:
I'm feeling ___. I accept how I'm feeling now, but I know this will pass. This emotion does not define me.
I'm feeling pessimistic, but I know I'm just tired and frustrated with this situation. I'm not a pessimistic person.
I'm feeling defeated because that didn't go as planned. It's OK to feel bad because it shows I care. I can try again.
3. Mind Reading
You check your email and from your administrator or boss is a message with two words that instantly cue the mind-reading distortion: "See me." Boom. Your brain is making a mental shortcut to fill in the gaps. "See me about what!?" Couple that awesome skill of predicting with a natural negativity bias (which we all have) and we go straight to worst-case scenario. We do this with our students ("They didn't do their assignment because they're lazy"). We do this toward our colleagues ("They didn't try that lesson because they hate my ideas"). Mind reading is great, until it's not. And usually it's not.
Challenge it: Get direct clarity.
One of the most powerful things we can do in relationships is ask for feedback. I think about the countless times when, rather than assuming my students' intentions, I simply asked them questions. I learned that Terence didn't storm out of my class because he hated it; he was angry about a racist comment directed at him just before class. Ryar didn't skip school every day to hang out with friends; he had to stay home to care for his baby sister because his single parent had to work.
Sometimes getting clarity sounds like: "When I (experience), I thought (mind reading). (Invite other person to share their thoughts)." It can also sound like:
I'm worried about you since you missed the last couple assignments. What's going on?
I noticed our lessons didn't align the other day. I want to make sure my ideas are helpful. What feedback can you give me?
4. Pervasiveness
Before becoming an instructional coach, I taught high school English. Among the most irritating experiences as an ELA teacher was when my students would say, "I hate reading" … and then check their text messages … which had words in them. This was pervasive thinking on their part: attributing one experience to an overall condition. Students don't hate reading. They just hate reading boring texts. Society isn't evil. There are moments of cruelty. Staff meetings aren't a conspiracy to crush our happiness. There are moments that are painful.
Challenge it: Use a "just because/doesn't imply" reframe to disrupt pervasive thinking. This technique still affirms the reality that not everything is great all the time—but it prevents us from catastrophizing. We can have our truth and be optimistic too.
Just because I had a couple students challenge me today doesn't imply that every student is bad or that I can't figure out how to manage this better.
Just because our last meeting was tense doesn't imply that we can't find resolution this time.
5. Permanence
Remember the early days of COVID-19? The time filled with togetherness and charity and Tiger King memes? Those days ended pretty quickly when we realized the pandemic would be more than a month-long thing. But then, because of our polarized thinking, many of us jumped to a new distortion: "This pandemic isn't ending soon, so it's going to last forever. We are never going back to normal." Permanence is the belief that a state or experience will last forever. Society will never change. That kid will never change. I'm always going to be tired.
Challenge it: Edit the absolutes.
The best way to fight permanent thinking is to identify and root out these words: Always, never, every time. When you spot them, be vigilant and challenge such thoughts with counterevidence—just like you want your students to do.
This remote teaching is lasting longer than I thought, but we are making a lot of progress in learning how to still effectively teach our kids. Today isn't forever.
This kid has had A LOT of challenging behaviors. But his prefrontal cortex is still developing. He'll get there; he just needs extra modeling and support.
Challenge Within to Change Beyond
Let's revisit the belief that self-care is selfish—that if we focus on becoming happier and more hopeful, we are giving up on taking care of others. Do you recognize the cognitive distortions within that belief? Challenge them.
Start by checking in with the distortions you may have had in the last few days, hours, or minutes. Even this week, I've had to remind myself that just because our world is dealing with unprecedented challenges doesn't mean they will last forever. Not all our days will be as hard as they were at the start of the school year. Not all people are bad just because sensational stories get the most attention in the media.
Also, remember that changing habits of thought will take time and effort. You may have to challenge the distortions that come up when you … challenge your distortions. Just because we feel like a failure when we don't magically "cure" one of our distortions, doesn't mean we are a failure.
If 2020 has taught us anything, it's that we have to take care of each other. But to better take care of others, we have to start from within and attend to our own thoughts. Thoughts become actions. Actions guide the world. Let's calibrate the compass—one thought at a time—and guide ourselves and our students to a better future.
Reflect & Discuss
➛ Do you often find yourself getting carried away by cognitive distortions? If so, how do those thoughts impact your in-the-moment teaching or leading?
➛ Think of a time you recently espoused polarized thinking regarding a student or colleague. How could you reframe that thinking?
➛ What's one way, going forward, that you can spot cognitive distortions as they arise?
