Whether we realize it or not, we as educators are dealing with a hidden minority of gay and lesbian students, as well as gay and lesbian parents. People have to self-identify (come out) as homosexual. Gay and lesbian infants are not born with tiny inverted pink triangles on their foreheads. Most of our gay and lesbian youth will come out in high school after spending the middle school years questioning their sexual orientation in silence.
Here are some effects of that silence: Twenty-six percent of gay youth are forced to leave home because of their sexual identities, and 68 percent of young gay men and 83 percent of lesbians report using alcohol and other drugs on a regular basis. Forty-one percent of lesbian and gay youth suffer violence from their families, peers, and strangers. It is estimated that 30 percent of youth suicides are committed by lesbian and gay people. In 1992, 20 percent of all persons with AIDS/HIV were most likely infected as teenagers (see Hershberger 1995, Hunter 1990, Savin-Williams 1994; see also Anderson, this issue, pp. 65-68).
In Stratford, Connecticut, we are working to break the silence and to provide a safe, supportive climate that includes all students. I have played a personal role in this awakening. When my son told me of his homosexuality, I decided to be an open parent, to help gay and lesbian students and their parents. I freely tell teachers and staff that one of my three sons is gay.
Parents Seeking Understanding
My candor opens the door to many parents, including staff members. A year after I began this dialogue, an educator at my school started talking to me about her son. In her own time and way—despite her initial discomfort—she told me that she thought he might be gay. I lent her some books and offered to take her to a meeting of Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays (PFLAG).
One day I met the parent of a former student. During our friendly conversation, we discussed our children, including whom they were dating. I talked about the women in the lives of two of my sons; then I said that one was gay and not yet serious with any young man. She then told me she thought her son was gay but had not yet come out. I thought of some of the conversations I had with her son when he was a student. I thought of the journey that probably lay ahead for this family, but I had reason to hope that it might be a little easier as a result of our connections.
Same-gender parents also feel more comfortable in talking with people who are openly accepting. A gay father with whom I had become acquainted finally came out to his 8th grade son, who had long suspected his father's orientation and had suffered teasing from classmates. Once he had that honest conversation with his father, the boy proudly told his friends that his father was gay and that now he has two fathers. The teasing eased. Both parents and student benefited from an open acceptance of diverse sexual orientations.
Students Finding Allies
A few years ago, a girl at my school began questioning her sexual orientation. I first met her when she was a frightened 7th grader brought to my office before school. She had been intimidated by some kids on the bus, and her mother wanted her bus changed. The girl later returned alone to my office. She told me why kids were teasing her.
As an 8th grader, the student often sought me out and once spotted a book on my desk titled Young, Gay, and Proud (Alyson 1980). It opened the conversation about lesbians and gays, and I told her of my son. She told me she had a lesbian friend and that she thought she might be a lesbian. She asked me not to tell her mother, but told me that she had let her mother know that she was questioning her sexual orientation. Later, I let her know about a gay and lesbian youth group, and I mentioned PFLAG. She asked me how old you had to be to join.
In the spring, the 8th grader's mother called me. She thanked me for the interest I had shown in her daughter and brought up her concerns about her daughter's sexual orientation. It was great to hear the mother say that if her daughter's orientation turned out to be same gender, it would be fine with her because she loved her daughter dearly. She then begged me not to relate our conversation to anyone. To most parents, the possibility that their own child might be gay is unthinkable. Before the girl moved on to high school, I told her about John Anderson, an openly gay teacher at her future school. She had the good fortune to have him for her first year English class. She came out as a lesbian early in her high school career.
As assistant principal, I am often called on to resolve disciplinary problems. One afternoon, a bus driver asked for help with an 8th grade boy, who the driver claimed had been unruly and had called him a derogatory sexual name. The boy protested his innocence. His mother called me later that afternoon to say that she strongly doubted that her son would ever call anyone that word because someone very close to him is gay and he knows the epithet is hurtful. I let the boy know that I believed him. When the ABC network ran a broadcast on same-sex marriage, he stopped in my office to see if I had seen the show. I had, and we talked about it for a while. My point of view validated same-gender unions, and this seemed to somehow validate this student. He later sought me out to help him after school to get his grades back on track.
Providing an Accepting School Environment
Other teachers and administrators at Stratford schools also have provided support to gay and lesbian students and parents. For example, Garrett Stack, the openly gay principal of Franklin Elementary School, and John Anderson of Bunnell High School make no secret of their domestic partnership. Parents feel comfortable talking with both Stack and Anderson of their concerns about their children's sexual orientations and other sex-equity issues.
At Franklin, there is less abusive language directed to perceived gay and lesbian children; when kids use such language, teachers and other staff members do not tolerate it. At Bunnell, Anderson reports that the gay and lesbian topic is no longer taboo, and a teacher even brought harassment charges against a student for using derogatory language. Many of the student's peers at the high school supported the teacher.
- Use the words gay, lesbian, bisexual. Use inclusive language, such as partner or spouse instead of husband or wife.
- Provide classroom speakers. Dan Kelly, a young actor, spoke at Flood Middle School in Stratford, Connecticut, as part of a diversity celebration. He spoke on what it felt like to be gay in middle and high school and had a positive effect on reducing name calling.
- Display or wear a gay-positive symbol. When teachers in Brookfield, Connecticut, put pink triangles outside their doors as a symbol of safety for gay and lesbian students, some people in the community objected. With administrative support, however, the teachers prevailed. Gay, lesbian, and questioning youth feel part of a safe school.
- Challenge homophobic remarks everywhere and all the time. Establish an antislur policy.
- Provide positive role models, both historic and current. English teachers can mention that Walt Whitman was gay; art teachers can tell students that Michelangelo was gay.
- Demand inservice training for all staff. Fran Evans in Danbury, Connecticut, brought in speakers from PFLAG. A group now meets weekly to discuss sexual orientation issues.
- Include discussions of gay, lesbian, or bisexual issues in the class, as with any other minority issue.
- Create social situations for both gay and straight friends. Flood Middle School hosted a "teen night" instead of a dance and encouraged all kids—both gay and straight—to attend.
Our experiences in Stratford have convinced us that as parents and educators, we can provide a healthy, supportive climate for all—including the minorities of gay and lesbian students, parents, and staff members.
