For children and adolescents, the death of a parent is particularly difficult. Feelings of guilt and grief complicate the normal developmental tasks of separation and autonomy. The discomfort and awkwardness that young people experience often leave them feeling lonely and unsure of how peers and adults expect them to respond to their loss. Students' academic performance also suffers, as does their capacity to move forward developmentally and emotionally. Because of the broad range of both normal and troubled adjustments to parental loss, educators may be concerned about whether students are responding appropriately and about how best to help students as they grieve.
A Diagnostic Perspective
Following the death of a loved one, most people tend to show many symptoms of clinical depression, including expressions of sadness, for about two months. Sad and withdrawn behavior that lasts longer than two months and interferes with a person's functioning, however, may indicate the onset of clinical depression in addition to normal grieving.
Even normal responses to grief are difficult for children and adolescents, and all children facing the loss of a parent require special support and comfort. As our society increases in cultural variation, some families may respond to the loss of a loved one in unfamiliar ways. Because all cultures have designated rituals intended to foster community support for those who are suffering loss, we all need to understand and show appreciation for the culturally driven responses to the death of a parent.
Developmental Differences
Children and adolescents differ in their response to grief because of their different developmental capacities and the nature of the loss. Losing a parent suddenly to an automobile accident, for example, is different from losing a parent to a long illness, such as cancer.
Younger Children
In times of stress, people tend to regress developmentally. Younger children who experience the death of a parent are just beginning to appreciate their capacity to explore the world on their own. They take pride in their sense of mastery over daily tasks—such as waiting for the bus, walking to school, and actively participating in their learning—and they are beginning to trust that adults other than their parents can provide safety and comfort. Their cognitive capacity is growing to include such concepts as cause and effect and to recognize differences between reality and fantasy.
When a parent dies or becomes gravely ill, younger children often revert to a more magical view of the world. They may overtly express concerns that their past transgressions caused a parent's death or feel guilty about expressing anger or acting out before the parent died. During school, younger students may become preoccupied with these worries and suffer from anxiety, fears of separation from other caregivers, morbid fears of illness, an increase in physical complaints, and more difficulty focusing on learning. Many children will intellectually understand that they are not to blame, but they may find it difficult to dismiss these feelings altogether and even feel ashamed of the regressed nature of their worries.
Teachers can help by letting younger students know that they are aware of the recent loss and understand that schoolwork may be more trying for a while. Because students might feel awkward about their difficulties, teachers should not single students out publicly, but discreetly approach the student before or after class. The well-meaning teacher who announces to the class that a student may need extra support risks increasing the younger child's awkwardness during a period of coping with complex feelings. Teachers should never underestimate the extent to which brief and private comments—such as “Let me know how I can help,” or “I know this is really tough, so let me know if you're having a rough time”—can be reassuring for all students in this situation.
Adolescents
As students mature, their growing capacity for complex cognitive and emotional reactions changes their response to grief. Although older children may understand that they are not to blame for a parent's death, they may feel remorse about comments made to a parent during their typical adolescent struggles to separate from family control. For deaths that occurred suddenly, adolescents may feel sad that they were not able to say goodbye or to apologize for past arguments or misbehavior. Clinicians have observed that adolescents who face the death of a parent sometimes become more argumentative at school and at home and may demonstrate decreased judgment through substance abuse and other reckless behavior.
Older children often report that they feel unsure of how adults expect them to respond. Adults may be put off by the teen who seems more concerned about a date to the prom or an athletic event than by the death of a parent. Such teen behavior often reflects the normal egocentrism characteristic of adolescence and does not necessarily indicate that the adolescent is failing to feel or cope with difficult emotions.
As with younger children, teachers can discreetly let adolescents know that they are aware of what has happened and that they understand that coping may be difficult for a while. Insisting that a child or adolescent who is continuing to function reasonably well discuss his or her feelings is almost never helpful. Children need time to deal with their grief, and it is quite normal for them to compartmentalize their feelings as they struggle to make sense of the situation.
Nonetheless, students who persistently function poorly require intervention at home and at school. Because schools must balance understanding a student's difficulties with the demands of curriculum and learning, any student who is unable to reasonably keep up with his or her work may benefit from referral to mental health clinicians inside or outside of school. In most instances, teachers, school officials, families, and counselors can best design an individual academic plan specific to the suffering student.
It Ain't Easy
In modern life, our growing capacity to treat devastating illness contrasts with our increasing discomfort with death. Yet all societies must be ready to face all aspects of the life cycle, including death. When a child loses a parent, however, even physicians may feel overwhelmed by sadness and uneasiness. Teachers may find themselves worried about their own mortality and the safety of loved ones without understanding the reasons for these newly realized fears and concerns. Such experiences are normal, and the best remedy is open support from colleagues and friends. In this way, teachers are best prepared to help students maintain their academic and emotional growth in spite of the normal pain and suffering that losing a parent engenders.
