I just had a crying father in my office," a principal of an urban elementary school told me. "He and his wife are divorcing and he is worried about his children. I am getting a lot of families in my community who are experiencing the same thing. I wish I could do more. I want to help parents go through this and not injure their children."
A middle school English teacher reported her concerns to her principal: "Alice's work has gone steadily downhill since her parents separated. I know she is reacting to the divorce, but what can I do to help her?"
These educators' dilemmas are not unique. In 1995, U.S. News and World Report (1995) noted, 1.2 million divorces occurred, of which more than half involved minor children. Fewer than 49 percent of all children in the United States live with both biological parents. Teachers and principals see the repercussions of these statistics. They want to ensure that the experience of divorce does not interfere with their students' ability to stay emotionally healthy and learn. But although they can identify the problems, many educators are frustrated in finding solutions.
In my work at the Children of Separation and Divorce Center in Columbia, Maryland, I see many children who are struggling with family breakups. Children react to this major change in their lives with a plethora of powerful emotions—anger, anxiety, abandonment, loneliness, a feeling of being out of control or overburdened with the prospect of having to take on some responsibilities of an absent parent. They may "cry at the drop of a hat," as 5-year-old Louise did after her father moved out of the house.
Both directly and indirectly, teachers and principals can take steps to mitigate the potentially harmful effects of separation and divorce on their students. They can help children of all ages deal with their feelings. And they can encourage both parents to stay involved in their child's schooling.
“That's Hard, Isn't It?”
With younger children, the main task is to help them understand what is happening and to give them permission and skills to deal with the feelings that divorce often precipitates. Once a child provides an opening, teachers should respond in a way that shows they are willing to listen and that they care.
Younger children will talk quite openly about how they feel. My work with children has convinced me that they also want their teachers to know about their parents' separation or divorce. As Beth, a 2nd grader, told me, "I want my teacher to know so when I don't listen in class because I'm sad, she won't think I don't care about school" (Frieman 1993a).
Teachers often need to help children express their feelings. For example, Janet's 2nd grade teacher had been checking her class's math work when Janet looked up suddenly and blurted out: "My parents had a big fight last night. They were screaming and yelling, Dad left and Mom said that we were getting a divorce." To help Janet elaborate, her teacher could have responded by asking, "How did that make you feel?" or by expressing concern: "That's hard, isn't it?" or "That must have made you feel bad (sad, scared)."
Acting Out, Acting Up
Younger children frequently act out their frustrations by drawing attention to themselves in socially undesirable ways (Frieman 1993b). Their actions may not only get in the way of their own learning but also seriously disrupt the emotional climate of the classroom (Frieman 1993a). For example, an elementary school principal reported that "Bryan is not himself. He is hitting other children and I cannot allow that. I feel bad when I come down on him when he is hurting so much, but I have to protect the other children."
Even though such students are in emotional pain, their teachers must deal with their behavior. When 5-year-old Wayne hit a classmate, his teacher told him:Wayne, you know that hitting is not proper behavior in our kindergarten. You need to go to the timeout chair and think about your behavior. I don't like hitting, but I still like you.
Students may also become extremely passive or withdrawn. They may seem preoccupied and lose interest in school even though they were previously good students. An 11th grade science teacher, for example, noted that Calvin seemed distracted and was "never fully present in class."
Contrary to what some people think, older children are no less affected by separation and divorce than are younger children. In working with both groups, the same principles apply. Teachers must listen for the glimpses the students provide into their private lives. Some youngsters will communicate in journals; others will express themselves more directly.
When older students act out, however, their behavior can take a more serious turn. Many adolescents get depressed, and major depression can lead to suicidal thoughts or actions. When any child suggests that he or she is contemplating suicide, the school staff should take it seriously. The teacher or other adult should encourage the student to seek professional help, whether from the school counselor, the community mental health agency, or a private therapist.
For Disenfranchised Parents—School Ties
Ryan, whose daughter was on her school's field hockey team, had practiced with her in the off-season during his marriage and had never missed a game when she played. After a bitter divorce, his ex-wife informed him that she would be attending the games and he would no longer be needed. Having noticed Ryan's absence at the first game, his daughter's teacher called him to see why he wasn't there. She told him bluntly that his daughter needed him at the games and that he could sit far away from his ex-wife.
- Send all parent communications, including school messages and newsletters, to both parents' homes, thereby keeping the child out of some parental battles.
- Give both parents a chance to participate in parent conferences, asking them if they would prefer to have a conference together or separately. Having two conferences takes more time, but the benefits of gaining the support of both parents makes the extra effort worthwhile.
- Keep both parents informed of their child's schoolwork, including long-range assignments that the child might work on over weekends. When nonresidential parents see their children only on weekends, many want to make the most of the time they have together—and they may not consider homework the best use of this time. Because these parents may be uncomfortable being with their children or feel guilty about being absent from their family home, they tend to make visits with their children into parties. They can be reluctant to insist that their children do homework because it is not a fun activity.
Joe's comments are typical:I see my kid only every other weekend. I am so out of his life that we have nothing to talk about anymore. At least I can show him a good time. We go out to movies and to dinner. I don't want to just sit around the house.
Teachers can help noncustodial parents integrate homework into visitation weekends. One way is by sending these parents an informal letter every week informing them of what is going on in class, particularly any long-range assignments, such as book reports or projects that might need to be worked on during the weekend. After being approached by his son's teacher, Joe noted thatwe still go out on the weekend, but only now we often go to the library. I help him get books for his research or just read while he works. We are still together and he is getting his work done.
Reaching Out for Resources
Principals can use both in-house and community resources to address the problems that divorce creates. If the school has a full-time counselor, that person can work with children individually, in groups, and in the classroom. The counselor may also consult on specific classroom problems.
Some school systems emphasize mental health needs. At Abbott Elementary School in Westford, Massachusetts, my brother, Maury Frieman, a trained clinical social worker, is a school counselor who works with these children. He conducts both individual and group therapy, explaining that "I can intervene and help the child deal with the separation experience before it becomes a problem in the classroom." He also works with parents and classroom teachers.
Unfortunately, principals at many other schools must do more with less. Schools with counseling staffs who have the time to deal with these issues are rare. In one urban elementary school, one counselor comes in two days a week to serve 600 students. "I don't have a prayer of heading off students' problems with my in-house resources," he laments.
- Form coalitions with community groups that address parenting, mental health, and related issues. Community mental health agencies often can be of help. At a minimum they offer services to parents and children who are experiencing problems. The parents, however, must initiate contact with the clinics, arrange to pay the fees, and go regularly for treatment.
- Lure staff members from nonprofit mental health centers. Offer free space, give publicity, and, most important, endorse the services. Many nonprofit agencies can afford to lower their prices when they enjoy a steady stream of clients and no advertising and office overhead.
- Bring parenting seminars to your school by offering the sponsors space and free advertising, and by encouraging parents to attend. The nonprofit Children of Separation and Divorce Center pioneered parenting seminars conducted by community mental health groups. The center takes a nonadversarial approach, with a goal of keeping kids out of the disputes. In some Maryland jurisdictions, parents who file for divorce are under court order to attend these seminars. Many of them have been helped to understand the effect of divorce on their children, and they have learned strategies to help their children cope (Frieman et al. 1994).
- Arrange inservice training for teachers, using your own counselors or reaching out to community mental health professionals.
One advantage of in-house mental health services is that it reduces the stigma still attached to emotional problems. As one parent related at a planning meeting, "I've had at least 10 phone calls from other parents who wanted to come to our meeting but felt uncomfortable about needing therapy." Principals can help overcome this stigma by reframing the services from "therapeutic" to "educational."
By working cooperatively, teachers, principals, parents, and students will all be better able to cope with the strain of family breakups. First, however, educators must recognize the powerful impact of separation and divorce on children and their ability to learn.
